- This is so beautifuI. - You know it, Gary.
Look at her.
- Do you know what I would like to do? - Shower with them.
Then... bang. We hit the city, baby. Dead on.
Little drinks, little night life, little dancing.
- Dancing. - We throw a huge party. Huge party!
Everybody's invited. Women everywhere.
All these girls, they're all there.
- Naked bodies everywhere... - Gary. Gary!
- What? - Nobody likes us. Nobody.
Why are you messing with the fantasy?
We know about the reality. Don't ruin the fantasy, OK?
And then, we're hip, man. We're popular. We're revered.
We're studs.
When the smoke clears, right...
...those two dames
fall amazingly, completely and totally in love with us, Wyatt.
Check it out.
Yo! Check us out.
Look, we're sorry about...
"Weird Science"
'His insane ambition to create life... '
- Where did your parents go? - Cincinnati.
To meet the guy that my sister wants to marry.
Chloe. Who the hell would marry Chloe?
He's studying to be a vet.
Try not to make a mess. The maid doesn't come untiI Monday.
How come your parents suddenly trust you? They never let you do shit.
Chet's home from college. They trust him. He's in charge.
Chet? Oh, shit! I can't believe this.
I really wish you'd told me that before I agreed to sleep over.
- How do you put up with him? - If I don't he beats the shit out of me.
It's a habit he got in military schooI.
How do you put up with him? He's very protective.
Nice relationship!
'Look, there's nothing to fear.
'Note - no blood, no decay... just a few stitches.
'Go on, fix the electrodes.
'You'll be afraid before the night's over.
'The storm will be magnificent.
'All the electricaI secrets of heaven.
'This time we're ready, eh, Fritz?
'Let's have one finaI test. Throw the switches.
'Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray
'that first brought life into the world.
'And look. Here's the finaI touch.
'The brain you stole, Fritz.
'Think of it. The brain of a dead man
'waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands.
- That's not a bad idea. - What?
Making a girI.
Actually making a girI.
Just like Frankenstein...
...except cuter.
- You're serious? - Yes.
Look me in the eyes. Do I look serious?
- 'You're crazy!' - 'We'll see whether I'm crazy or not. '
Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross. That's sick.
I'm not digging up dead girls...
No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girI, Wyatt!
I'm talking about your computer.
You can simulate stuff on your computer.
You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girI?
I don't know. I guess I could, but why?
It's two dimensionaI on the screen. It's not flesh and blood.
I know that, but we can use it. We can ask it questions.
We can put it in sexuaI situations. Sick, demented shit. You'd love it!
What about your girI in Canada?
She lives in Canada. The girI has no morals!
Those kind of relationships are rough.
Anyway. Get to work.
Very nice.
I told you, Wyatt. If there's one thing I know, it's female stats.
Anything bigger than a handfuI, you're risking a sprained thumb.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Perfect. - OK, now what?
Should we give her a brain?
- Yeah, we can play chess with her. - Chess?
Just give her a brain, OK.
OK, that's about all we can do with my stuff.
I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this.
- Did you get a free toaster with this? - Gary, it's smarter than you.
The problem is this is a lame idea.
It is not. Your computer is a wimp!
- We need more power than this. - What do you suggest?
- We're in. - We're in trouble. This is illegaI.
We need more. We've got to fill this with data.
We've got to make her as reaI as possible.
I want her to live, I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicise!
'Live. AII Dave, all night.
'We know what you need. Only right here on Dave TV.'
It's moving, it's working. It's working by itself.
Gary?
Why are we wearing bras on our heads?
CeremoniaI.
- You ready? - Yep. Let's go.
- Turn it off. - It is off.
Hang up the phone!
- What's going on? - I don't know.
- Unplug it. - OK.
Oh, shit!
No, it was a birthday present.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my god.
We've got to get this thing out of your house.
You get it out. It was your idea. This is all your fault.
- You get it out, you get it out. - I'll get it out!
Oh, shit!
One... two... three.
'She's alive. Alive!'
So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?
You guys created me. I didn't come from anywhere.
Before you messed around with your computer, I didn't exist.
By the way, you did an excellent job, thank you.
Hello?
Showering is reaI fun, isn't it?
If we're going to have any fun together...
...you guys had better loosen up.
What are we going to do with her?
Look, we'll just go with the situation, OK?
I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're very bright.
- You're all right? - I'm just being practicaI.
I know you are and I appreciate it.
- Let's go. - What about this mess?
Clean it up tomorrow, OK?
Don't get any BO on Chet's suit or he'll kill me.
- Where are we going? - She said downtown...
Oh, my god! Whose stuff is this?
Is that your suit? Is this yours?
- Wyatt, what's going on here? - Gary, I don't know.
Gary, you look good though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Did you steaI this car? - No, I didn't steaI the car.
How did you get it?
I can get anything I want. Right now I want a party.
- Party? - Yeah.
- You better think up a name for me. - What name do you want?
You guys created me. You think of a name for me.
- How about Lisa? - Why Lisa?
Why not?
- He used to like a girI named Lisa. - Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?
She kicked him in the nuts!
Will you shut up.
It wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.
Wyatt, shut up!
Hey, guys. I like Lisa. That will do just fine.
OK, you guys ready to rock?
- Ready. - Ready.
- Lisa? - Yeah?
- I don't think we belong here. - Don't be silly. It's a public place.
Look, we'd both love to stay but we're not 21 so I think...
You're 21. You're 21.
Maybe you'd feeI better if you got out there and mingled.
We don't mingle, OK.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable if I invited all of these people to your house
and we could all mingle there?
We'll mingle.
Hi, dudes.
Well, goddamn!
Listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations.
My folks really dump on me. They really do.
You guys get along with your parents?
I guess you guys moved out by now.
- What's this, sir? - Drink it.
That's very sweet of both you gentlemen, but I don't...
UntiI now.
See you guys in the emergency room!
Hello, pretty lady. Tell me something.
What's a beautifuI broad like you doing with a malaka like this?
It's purely sexuaI.
No shit.
She's into malakas, Dino.
She's into malakas. Do you believe that?
You can say that again!
Fats, man. Let me tell you my story, man.
Last year, I was insane for this crazy little 8th grade bitch.
- Crazy insane? - Insane?
I was nuts for the woman, man.
You've gotta believe me. I'm telling the truth.
I was nuts for the girI.
What did it to me was these big titties she had.
For a 13-year-old, she wouldn't have to worry about titties for the rest of her life!
- She was set and looking good. - That's the truth, baby.
I called her every night for a month. I'm talking devotion, man.
- Every damn night? - Every night, Mitch.
On the telephone?
What's he talking about "on the telephone"?
Explain it to him.
Goddamn, we know there's a telephone.
But he hung up on her.
The chick with those big titties?
I hung up on the bitch.
Here's the capper. Do you know what the bitch did?
- Lay it on. - Listen to what she did to me.
She kneed you in the nuts and called him "faggot".
- She did what? - Bitch kneed your nuts?
Bitch kneed my nuts. I'm not playing with you.
- In the family jewels? - In the family jewels, man.
- Worst pain there is. - Broke my heart in two.
- She broke more than your heart! - Yeah, you're right there, baby.
You can forget that other one because you've got this fine jeweI by you.
Ain't that the truth, baby. That's the clean truth.
There he goes!
- Party's over. - "Party's over", said the girI.
I'm going to get out of here. I've got money for everybody.
I've got five bucks says that boy won't make it.
I really shouldn't be driving.
Listen, I appreciate it. I just don't feeI like driving.
OK, forget it. I'll drive. Give me the keys. Give me the keys!
Is he going to be all right?
I don't know. I warned him about that bourbon.
Hey, he don't even have a license, Lisa.
I don't even have a learner's permit.
Let's scout another party, man.
What are you going to tell Chet about me?
- Nothing. - That's not very realistic, Wyatt.
I don't know. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road.
You'd better concentrate harder. You're about to run a red light.
Oh, shit!
I hate that blues shit. I never listens to it.
- I hate this car. I hate it! - Are you OK?
My nuts are halfway up my ass but other than that, I'm perfect!
You better think what you're going to do about Chet. He's one serious idiot.
You're stewed, butt wad.
- Who me? - Know what time it is?
- 2:00? - Time to pay the fiddler.
I was counting on you to be human about this.
Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.
I'm telling Mum and Dad everything.
I'm even considering making up some shit.
All right, Chet. Name your price.
175 dollars and zero cents. Cash, new bills. Crisp and clean
in my wallet by 7:00am.
- Thank you. - Hey, what are big brothers for!
See you upstairs.
Out of the "Jungle Book".
The booze hounds return. What a joke. Hi, girls.
Feeling kind of queasy?
How about a nice greasy pork sandwich
served in a dirty ashtray?
He pukes, you die.
- He's not laughing at you, Chet. - Yes, I am.
Did he tell you about the woman we made tonight?
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- No shit! - No shit, Chet.
You two donkey dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.
- You are absolutely right. - Get him out of here.
What?
Cold-blooded shit. He's an asshole.
Anybody with a haircut like that is an asshole.
Psst! Lisa.
Where are you?
I'm right behind you.
Surprise.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Your lips feeI like rigor mortis has set in.
Try and relax a little bit. I'm only kissing you.
I wasn't expecting you to kiss me. I mean, I was just...
That was better.
- Want to try it again? - If you don't mind.
Yes, please.
- You sure you're only 15? - I'll be 16 in June.
You made me.
You controI me.
What are you thinking about?
Women's gymnastics.
Well, I don't know. I'll do my best!
Good.
"Tubular Bells")
- Wyatt, where are you? - I'm right here, Gary.
- What happened? - I think it was a dream.
- What? - Everything. Last night. Lisa.
The whole thing had to be a dream.
It can't be a dream, Wyatt. We were both in it.
How can two people have the same dream?
- There's no other explanation. - Let's analyze this.
In your dream, did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink?
I didn't throw up? You didn't see anything?
Maybe it was a dream.
A very weird, bizarre, vivid,
erotic, wet, detailed dream.
- Maybe we have malaria. - Shit.
Gary. Wyatt. Breakfast.
I don't have the bucks to pay Chet off about this.
Yo, Wyatt!
You can't fear Chet for the rest of your life.
Why not? Lisa, please.
I don't know, Wyatt. I mean, it's seriously affecting your sex life.
Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out.
You slept. I did my toes.
By the way, you're very cute.
We'll try it again some other time, OK.
- Good morning, turd brain. - Hi, Chet.
- You spit in this? - Not that I'm aware of, no.
Hey, that looks pretty good.
Now make yourself one, dickweed!
I like your panties.
- It's a joke, Chet. - That's not a joke.
That is a severe behavioraI disorder. Those are women's underpants.
Next, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!
The old man's going to have a stroke on this one!
- All right, Chet. How much? - How much?
This goes way beyond payment, paI.
Come one, Chet. Please.
Well...
Your VCR should cover it, for openers.
Thank you.
For christsakes, will you cover yourself.
Are you guys looking for something for your mum?
I really don't think so, Sue.
You guys have girlfriends?
One does really not refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend.
Mistress, lover, sexpot.
She's a sexpot, is what she is.
You guys are the ones that got beat up at the homecoming game, right?
Susan. Could you wrap up a bottle of this scent for me? I like this.
Two. And why don't you set yourself up with one.
Set yourself up. That's three scents, please.
If you were a 15-year-old boy, would these turn you on?
I think so, too. I'll take them.
Do you have a bra to match that?
Something in leather or rubber or barb wire?
Give me a break!
- Check it out. Check it out. - What?
- Five bucks? - Finsky.
Max, what are you going to do?
You know, Gary?
For the first time in my life, I don't feeI like a totaI dick.
Yeah, me either.
- Sorry, boys. - You guys getting tired of this?
We're not, but there is a cure.
Rumor has it there's a big white sale going on.
At ToweI World.
- We're not impressed. - No.
Could I have some of that, please.
I'm getting really bored of their shit.
- Do you want to dump them? - I don't know.
We have been with them for three months...
We won't go to any more parties and meet more people.
We'll go into a sociaI coma.
- Sorry. - We're sorry.
- Want to give them another chance? - OK.
- Will you forgive us? - Please.
Oh, you guys! What are we going to do with you?
"Oh, Pretty Woman")
Jesus. Who was that girI?
- Excuse me. - Get out of my way.
We got her, we got her.
- Hey. - Hi.
- That's Ian. - This is Max.
We call him "Mad Max".
- We saw you on the escalator. - Yeah.
- You were looking at us, right? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.
Lisa. Come on, hon. We're running late.
- Honey. - Speak to you later.
She likes the rough stuff. What can I do, you know?
By the way, there's a party tonight at Wyatt's house.
You can find his name in the student's directory. Under Donnelly.
Pass the word around.
Party?
Don't ask.
You're going to have a heart attack by the time you're 40 if you don't relax.
You tried inversion boots?
Lisa, you don't understand my parents.
What's there to understand?
They're oppressive, meddlesome and bizarre.
They're normaI parents.
Stop worrying and go and get dressed.
Lisa, I created you.
Why do you insist on doing things I don't want?
You want to party so bad you could bottle it.
You and Gary want friends, popularity, all that stuff, right?
I thought about it, sure, but...
So I'm giving it to you.
Thank you, but I don't want it in my house.
If you want to be a party animaI, you have to live in the jungle.
Stop worrying and get dressed.
I'm going to go and pick up Gary.
I can't wait to meet his parents.
Do you go to Gary's schooI?
Do I look like I'm in high schooI?
No.
What it is, Dad, she's a foreign exchange student.
They have a different educationaI system.
You look very... mature.
Doesn't she? It's funny you say that because I was thinking the same thing.
So what do you do for a living, Al?
I'm an independent businessman.
Al... Dad. My dad's a plumber.
He's into plumbing. I guess you plumb, right Dad?
- Yeah, I think it's time to go. Ready? - Where do you think you're going?
- To a movie. - To a party.
Movie party. We're going to a movie party.
He's such a liar.
I've whipped up a soiree over at his friend Wyatt's house.
- Soirwhat? - Soiree. I think that means party.
Party.
There's going to be sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. Chips, dips, chains, whips.
Your basic high schooI orgy type of thing.
I'm not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft.
No, no. Just a couple of hundred kids
running around in their underwear acting like animals.
All right, I've heard enough!
Gary, get to your room.
No, it's OK. Just sit here. I'll take care of this.
Get the hell out of here before I throw you out.
Don't threaten me, Al.
You're out of shape. I'll kick your ass.
I'm going to make this reaI easy for you.
- I'm taking Gary to a party. - Over my dead body.
He's a good kid. He studies hard.
You've got no complaints. If anyone should bitch, it should be Gary.
You ever compliment him on his grades?
You ever compliment him on anything?
Hey. Look, Mum. Compliments embarrass me.
- Dad, you know. - Shut up!
Have you ever wondered how sad it is
that your son's only sexuaI outlet
is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom.
Oh, Gary!
Ma, I never tossed off to anything.
- You said you were combing your hair. - I was.
Gary, shut up.
- The water's running all day long. - Shut up.
- I've never tossed off. - You wouldn't tell your own mother.
Shut up. Shut up!
This guy deserves a party.
I don't know who you are, what you are, or where you came from,
but I'm not taking any more of this.
DiaI the police. DiaI the damn police and give me the phone.
Oh. I'm going to get... but...
- Give the phone. - Well, here it is.
Jesus God. Oh, Christ.
Oh, Lord. God.
- Go ahead. - Make your day?
- I'm sorry it has to come to this. - Come to what?
Cheer up or I'll blow your face off.
Don't be such an old lady. Everything's cooI.
Everything's cooI!
My dad's going to castrate me. My mother almost had a cardiac arrest.
My parents will never let me in the house.
Other than that, everything's great. It couldn't be better!
Trust me for once, will you?
They don't know what happened.
Didn't you think Gary was acting strangely this evening?
Gary? Who's Gary?
Lisa, you have to promise me that things won't get out of controI.
Don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.
- I don't have any friends, Lisa. - He doesn't.
Boy ain't Iying.
You do now.
- Hi. - Hi!
- Party. - Party, party!
"Don't Worry Baby")
- Yo. - How you doing?
- Where's the bar? - Bar?
Do you think they will embarrass us tonight?
Yeah.
Caviar?
If Max and Ian see her it is all over for us.
- How's your stomach? - It's a little better.
If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, OK?
Float a what?
If you're going to fart, let me know. I'll hit the fan.
I'm sorry. I suffer pan discomfort due to occasionaI stomach upset.
I can't believe this. I'm so disappointed in us.
We talk about how great it would be if we went to parties.
It's our party, people are having a great time, and we're in the john!
We're in the john. I can't believe this.
- You're just as uptight as I am. - Nobody can be as uptight as you.
Your middle name is tense. Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.
All right, this is true. It's true.
But it's not that bad. We can hear the music.
We can dance. If we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!
Hey, brother. What's happening, my main man?
Right on. Scotch.
- Straight up? - Nah, give me the whole bottle.
Tell you what. You bend over and I'll shove it straight up your ass!
On the rocks is fine.
Yeah, that's what I thought you were gonna say.
- There she is. - You get the drinks, I'll kill the girls.
I wonder if Lisa is having a good time.
Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar!
The thing that really galls me
is that she's ours and we can't get close to her.
Hit the fan.
- This is the best party I've ever been to. - I know, it's great.
Do you know whose house this is?
I think it might be that girI with the English accent.
That girI doesn't have a zit on her whole body. Did you notice that?
- I know. And she has zero fat. - And she's so relaxed.
She burped and it was...
- Charming. - Yeah.
- The bathroom.
- Ladies. - Hi.
I can't believe it. You're dropping wolf bait and there are chicks outside.
Light a match or something. Light a fire!
- Hi. - Hi.
We're sorry. We thought there were just girls in there.
It's just us dudes.
- What are you doing here? - Gary was just taking a shit.
No, what I meant was...
What I meant was, what are you doing at the party?
- Oh, it's my house. - This is your party?
Yeah, we like to do this once a week.
Little get-togethers. Have you guys been by?
- How did we miss these two? - So many people, so many parties.
So many people, so many parties. You lose track.
Would you mind if I came in and checked my face?
What's wrong with your face?
- Can we come in? - Come on in.
- Yeah, be our guests. - Thanks, guys.
Come on in.
Well, we've seen you guys at schooI but we've never met.
- You're Hilly. - You're Deb.
- Hi, I'm Gary. - I'm Wyatt.
This is a wild crowd. I didn't know you guys had so many friends.
- Yeah, neither did we. - Neither did we.
Who's the girI with the accent? I though that this was her party...
You mean the sensuous, exotic, mature, sex symboI type?
- Yeah. - She's with us.
She's with you guys?
Come on, Lisa. Why not?
Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt.
Belong? Did they make you in the garage?
They own you? ControI you?
- Seriously? - Seriously.
They're toads.
Do I look like I'd go out with two toads?
You do. It's true.
I think Gary and Wyatt are going to force everyone to redefine their terms.
You're completely loyaI to them?
I do whatever they say.